Friend Of The Soul
by Checkerz
Summary: After returning from the USS Ronald Reagan and Sea Hawk Tony struggles with a drug addiction. (Tag and Spoilers to Judgment Day)
1. Chapter 1

**Black &amp; White Poof**

Tony stared at the bottle of pills in his hand.

His heart pounded.

He told himself he would be able to quit.

It was easy.

Just stop taking the fucking pills.

He was a federal agent for crying outloud.

He was suppose to be one of the good guys.

Not an addict.

Drinking on the _USS Ronald Reagan_ and_ Sea Hawk_ had gotten harder and harder.

After all, he was never alone.

So Tony turned to prescription medication that wasn't always prescribed to him.

Mostly opiad pain killers for an old ACL tear.

That kept up his cover pretty well.

He drew the line at drugs of course.

Well...drugs like marijuana, coke and heroin.

He was still an agent.

Although a pack of coke he confiscated from a sailor looked tempting.

Very tempting.

He had gotten it off the ship quickly as possible.

Tony found a way to hide all his pills for 3 months.

He swore he would stop after getting back on dry land.

After a week at NCIS Tony found himself taking one.

Just one.

Or two.

Then he would stop.

He swallowed down the lot with a glass of water.

This was it.

No more.

Tony didn't last 3 days.

He was extremely frightened at how dependent he had become.

_Could he even stop?_

Tony's breath quickened.

He needed to stop.

No way in hell was he going to Gibbs with this.

Jethro still blamed the younger agent for Jenny's death.

The booze and pills simply helped Tony deal with that guilt.

No big deal.

He could stop when he wanted to.

_Right?_

'_Just stop Anthony_,' he thought hysterically. '_Just throw it all away.'_

He would throw it all away tomorrow.

10 weeks later he overdosed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Black &amp; White Poof**

Tony stumbled around his apartment in a heavy daze.

Throwing up as he fell into the wall.

'_Too much...too mu-"_ he thought vaguely and threw up again.

He tried to reach the phone.

Tony collapsed, the pain in his side growing worse.

He had it under control.

_He had it...under..._

**24 hours earlier **

The elevator door opened and a very hung over Anthony DiNozzo walked in.

He had such an adorable scowl on his face that Ziva couldn't help but smile.

"Good morning Tony."

He grunted and slung down his gear.

She watched him take out a water bottle and swallow several aspirin.

He looked _awful_.

"Are you sick?" She asked, already knowing the answer.

Tony shot another scowl in her direction, "No."

Translation: _he had been drinking again_.

"Tony, this has to stop! Going out on the field hungover or tripping is dangerous!" Her expression was serious.

Tony knew she meant business and swallowed some more water, "It's tipsy-and I don't come to work drunk."

Ziva softened, "Tony...are you alright?"

A silent pause spoke more words than Tony could ever dream.

He almost answered when Gibbs walked in.

"Listen up! We've got a case. 48 hours ago a marine went missing near the Pakistani boarder..."

No one but McGee was listening.

The Mossad Officer studied her partner curiously.

He wasn't wearing a suit and tie.

Tony always wore a suit.

The hoodie he now had over his head was concerning.

Tony tucked his face into his arms instead of listening to Gibbs talk.

Tim noticed and his eyes widened to the size of bowls.

He tried to signal Tony.

He even kicked his foot loudly against the inside of his desk.

Tim coughed and apologized when (almost everyone) looked at him.

Unnerving silence in the bull pen.

Tony felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up on end.

He decided to take a peek.

"B-Boss!" his heart screamed and his body jumped.

Gibbs stood there staring at him, not saying a word.

"I was just, uh, resting my eyes Boss. Not that I was taking a nap! I would never do that on the job that's obviously unprofessional."

Ziva inwardly cringed, he was a terrible liar.

Then her eyes narrowed in observation.

Tony's pupils were pin points.

They were also red and glazed over.

Unfocused.

He wasn't directly looking at anyone or Gibbs.

He also looked like he hadn't slept in weeks and no longer bothered with personal hygiene.

Was it The Director's death?

Tony had spoken to her about the constant guilt he faced after they found the bodies in the desert.

Gibbs spoke softly, perhaps just aware of the state Tony was in as she was, "You sick, DiNozzo?"

The senior field agent looked a little panicked for a second there,_ "No!_ No, not the flu Boss just...just a hangover. Sorry about that, won't happen again."

Everyone held their breaths.

Jethro nodded, "Okay."

He walked back over to the giant computer screen, "Let me know if you need to go home, DiNozzo."

Tony slumped back in his chair in relief.

Ziva grew suspicious.

He was hiding something.

_But what?_


	3. Chapter 3

Tony laid in his hospital bed, generally feeling and probably looking like crap.

They already pumped all the drugs from his system.

He just listened to the faint chatter over the P.A.

A nurse let Ziva in and shut the door.

Neither of them spoke.

He could feel her gaze on him as he stared at a crack in the ceiling.

"...McGee and Gibbs are not back yet. Their flight leaves in a few days."

Tony swallowed thickly,

"Just say it."

Ziva's voice was beyond serious, "I do not believe I have the words, Tony."

"It wasn't a suicide attempt it was an accident," he explained.

Ziva kept to her word and didn't say anything.

But it was the silence that rang out the loudest.

Then she said quietly, "...are you alright?"

Nonchalantly picking off lint from the bed sheets.

Tony's green eyes never left her face,

"Ziva...I'm fine."

She exploded, "YOU ARE NOT FINE!"

A shaky breath.

_Uncertainty._

"I found_ you_ in your apartment converting-"

"-Convulsing," Tony said quickly.

"How would you know?! You were not conscious!"

He opened his mouth to correct her again when, "...you actually got that one right."

They both had a patented stare down.

Ziva spoke again, "I found you convulsing after an overdose."

"Again: It was just an accident."

**"You almost died!"**

Tony finally turned his head away from the Israeli,

"...Yeah."

Ziva swallowed, her body shifting from side to side.

"...You are worse than I thought."

Tony exhaled.

More heavy silence.

..."What do you think you are doing, Tony?"

He frowned, "What?"

Ziva exploded again, "Painkillers Tony!"

Tony winced, "That's my name- try not to wear it out."

The Mossad Officer grabbed a chair and it grated loudly as she sat down right next to him, looking him in the eyes, "Do you want to _die?_"

He stared back, "..._no_."

Ziva looked away, face twisted in grief.

Tony sat up, feeling the need to explain. "It all started 6 months ago. On the_ USS Ronald Reagan._ It's easier to sneak pills around than tequila."

"Is that why? You wanted to feel numb?"

His voice finally broke, "_I-I-I didn't want to feel anything."_

He sniffed, wiping tears off his face.

She carefully watched the wires on his hand.

"I got so tired of...feeling the pain and the resentment after Jenny's death. I couldn't live with myself after..."

Ziva moved in closer, zeroing in on the man.

Grabbing his hand in between her own.

"_Tony_...what happened was _not_ your fault."

"Sure feels that way doesn't it?"

His voice had a bitter edge to it.

She sat back, "_Fine_. Swallow pills. Drink until you black out! Smoke marijuana!"

"Ziva-"

"Taking all of that away will not matter if YOU ARE NOT OKAY INSIDE!" She jabbed a finger into his sternum, "I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE PILLS! BUT I AM _NOT_ SIGNING OFF ON THEM! WHAT I CARE ABOUT IS_ YOU _TONY!"

Her voice echoed off the walls.

He kept blinking, long dark eyelashes soaking wet.

Ziva continued, "I CARE THAT I DO NOT HAVE TO WALK IN AND FIND OUT MY BEST FRIEND SHOT HIMSELF! _AGAIN_: TAKING ALL OF THOSE THINGS AWAY WILL NOT MATTER IF YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS!"

Silence.

Then she said softly, "I know it is easy to get addicted...to not feeling anything but the cold gun in your hand...to get through the nights alone without breaking down...after seeing little children who have been stabbed, beaten, raped and left to die..." tears fell down Ziva's face, "Then it is _really_ nice not feeling anything," Her chin trembled.

Tony sat up, "Ziva..."

He held her as the night finally came crashing down on both of them.

But he got the message.

_I feel. I feel pain, empathy and remorse same as you and everyone else. I am also terrified I almost lost you._

**Black &amp; White Poof**


	4. Chapter 4

**TRIGGER WARNING**

**Black &amp; White Poof**

**Tw****o days later...**

It's funny:

How one day you're a trusted field agent and the next you're branded a liar.

An addict.

Someone unworthy to have your six.

Tony didn't need anyone finding out about his problem.

He had it handled.

The other night was just a slip up.

A one time thing.

It would never happen again.

He turned on the shower and stepped inside.

Tony worked narcotics for years as a police officer and investigator.

Wasn't much he didn't know about them.

He knew he was addicted.

He knew he was slowly losing control.

Losing his grip on reality.

People were counting on him.

Tony couldn't afford to break down like this.

At first it was just something to take the edge off.

No big deal.

No big deal quickly escalated into 8 long months of drug abuse.

The lines began to blur.

He began to cross the important ones.

Tony was no better than the people he arrested day after day.

This little accident could be chalked up to nothing more than a casual prescription med case gone wrong.

How Ziva figured it out...he had no idea.

Tony should have denied it.

Shut her out.

"Tony?"

A knock at his bathroom door.

But he was craving human contact ever since the incident with Jeanne Benoit.

Even though he didn't deserve it.

The knob turned.

It was locked.

Ziva rapped her knuckles against the door, "Tony the Director called. He would like to have a word..."

He gave no response.

Just letting the cool water run down his bare arms and torso.

His eyes closed.

"I will be gone for no more than 20 minutes, Tony. Will you be alright?"

This silence thing was becoming more and more common.

"..._Tony_..."

He heard a sigh and then a slight pause.

Ziva left and opened the front door.

He was alone.

For the first time in two days.

Tony frowned.

Ziva had been watching him like a hawk (or turkey vulture) ever since signing out of the hospital.

Did she really trust him that much?

Paranoia filled the man and he quickly turned off the water.

All of the oxygen left the room.

His chest felt like an elephant was sitting on it.

Tony wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the mirrored cabinet with shaky fingers.

..._nothing_.

All of his pill bottles were gone.

Andato.

Unattainable.

No.

**NO!**

Tony's breathing got harder.

It was close to hyperventilation.

'_Calm down Anthony maybe she missed one.'_

Right.

Okay.

Okay...

Just...look in your other hiding places.

See what she missed.

_'It's Ziva,_' he reminded himself.

_Not helping_.

He went over the bathroom with a fine tooth comb.

Still nothing.

What really pissed the senior field agent off was she took his blue square designer pills.

A new drug on the market called "_Beautiful Blue Mystic."_

Hallucinogens like that didn't come cheap.

A hot lick of anger went down his spine.

He slammed a fist into the wall.

He was sweating.

Was he sweating?

Tony _hated_ the withdrawals for this.

Hate wasn't a strong enough word.

Loathed?

Abhorred?

Rancored?

Lets just say the withdrawals were never pretty.

It's why Tony kept it up as long as he had.

Not something you wanted to face.

Plus, as horrible as it was losing control, he didn't want to stop.

Ziva was there to help him move on.

Solve his problems.

Get things back to normal.

But in all honesty he had never enjoyed something this much.

Sex came as a close second but this...

This was something different.

Something that made him feel really weird and really happy.

Tony almost tripped over a cloud in his living room and thought Harry S. Truman was the first president.

Drugs were great.

His body craved the sweet, powerful release with a terrifying strong grip.

Tony had long since destroyed his fingernails.

He tore his apartment apart in a blind panic.

He needed to find it.

_Needed to find something!_

He would die without it.

Tony unleashed his inner demons and forgot all about leaving a mess.

He checked everywhere.

No.

No...

**NONONONONONONONONONNNOO!**

Razors, after shave, contact cases and deodorant flew out of the cabinet and Tony stared darkly at his reflection.

_'Damn you Ziva.'_

"TAKING ALL OF THINGS AWAY WILL NOT MATTER IF _YOU_ ARE NOT OKAY INSIDE!"

He grabbed the nearest object and flung it at the mirror.

Glass shattered into a million pieces.

Tony was seething to a point he couldn't register the pain in his foot as glass sliced into his heel.

He paced back and forth, fist tightening, thinking nasty thoughts about his friend and co-worker.

Then a light bulb went off in his head.

_Wait_...

Please.

_Please_ just let it be there...

Tony stumbled into the kitchen and poured out a pile of baking soda on the table.

He scooped some up with a finger and licked it.

'_Thank God.'_

Literally, this had to be some type of miracle.

Out of everything Ziva forgot his cocaine.

Tony guessed the Israeli didn't know.

Heck he wouldn't have guessed it either.

...okay he would have, but you don't want to think a close friend capable of such a thing.

Ziva couldn't have known he had gone this far.

In fact, the agent swore to himself it was a line he'd never cross.

Of course he was a human being.

Everyone had weaknesses.

And his had just gotten very, _very_ bad.

But all invading thoughts disappeared as Tony grabbed a roll and snorted up the white powder like a starved, dying animal.

It was pathetic.

But he was desperate.

Tony inhaled it.

Welcoming the sudden shockwave effect it had on his brain.

'_More...more..more..'_

He emptied the whole box.

This was perfect.

It was pure bliss.

He grinned.

All he had to do was keep this a secret and let Ziva believe he was getting better.

His knees gave out.

Tony started laughing.

And crying.


End file.
